A Peace Treaty

It’s time to start the peace process between Red and Blue America. It’s time for a “two-state” solution.

International negotiators should be brought in. Maybe Tony Blair and Nelson Mandela can be special envoys. Blair will have credibility issues in Red America because he was part of the Labour Party. He will have credibility issues in Blue America because he was George Bush’s bitch. But we can all agree to at least try to trust someone we know the other guy hates a lot. I’m not sure how to solve Nelson Mandela’s credibility issue in Red America. He’s just too much like Obama. And, the Red States will assure us, it has nothing to do with their both being black! It’s just a fact that they’re both Africans who have been in jail.

Maybe we’ll have to go with Stephen Harper of Canada. Red America knows he’s a hoserfacsist (and he’s not black muslim like Mandela); Blue America will think he must be at least mostly liberal because he’s Canadian.

Anyway, we’ll have to agree on the arbitrators first. We’ll make sure that 60 out of the 100 people who deicide such things agree on them. And then we’ll pick the place. We’ll probably have to pick some place we’re scared will join the other team, but will resent them for being such an attention whore, like Florida, Ohio, or Iowa. Fuck you, anyway. Blue America can probably win this argument and show how tough they will negotiate. In other words, they will completely give in to Red America on the location so that they can complain when they don’t get their way on anything later that they’ve been so agreeable. Dallas it is. That’s totally neutral territory, just tell the Secret Service to take that corner a bit faster, President Obama.

So, there can be a handshake cover-of-Time moment and Obama and Boehner can share a Nobel Peace Prize® (and Obama will have done something to earn it this time).

Every one will know in advance what the terms should be. Blue states withdraw to the pre-2008 borders, with some adjustment for present-day “facts on the ground” (Nevada and Colorado are ours, Virginia, North Carolina, and Indiana are really yours). We’ll figure out some joint authority for the holy sites in Washington, D.C. and a token few former Blue state residents will be allowed to come back. The issue of the security fence will have to be worked out later.

Even though everyone will know those terms, and the deal will get almost closed, Boehner will have to walk out, because the extremist and religious groups within his faction will not do a deal; they have to be seen as hard line.

Maybe on the tenth or eleventh session of direct talks, an agreement will be reached.

As it was said in the decade of the 2000s, we’re “just no that into each other.” I, for one, am tired of an unending series of high-stakes elections trying to save Red America from its own follies, only to, at best, tread water and give up concession after concession after concession to their utterly batshit insanity. And they drain our states’ coffers for their “freedom” by redistributing federal expenditures to Red America.

It’s just not worth it anymore. I would say I want to be friends, but I don’t. Let’s just not get physical. We can yell, but let’s leave it at that.

Red America would rapidly become a plantation state with sharply unequal income,  an established evangelical church and minimal labor and environmental protections. Public education would be abolished in favor of parochial and charter schools minimally funded by the government, but also for profit.

Blue America would end up not that different than Canada. Far from socialist, Blue America would have a stronger central government, and more distributions based on population density rather than acreage. Blue America would, like Canada, end up rapidly becoming bilingual and struggling with that. There would be other problems, to be sure. But the sort of basic things that every other industrialized nation on the planet takes for granted would be provided in Blue America, too. Education, health insurance, paid maternity leave, retirement, and basic nutrition would be insured to a certain minimum.