Kosher Coke and Case Studies in American Idiocy

I found this article in USA Today interesting.

Of course, to be precise, it’s only “kosher” because it’s Passover, and that’s only if you’re Orthodox about it, and then, even further, only if you’re Orthodox in an Ashkenazic way. Even among the Ultra-Orthodox of the non-ashkenazi, corn products are ok during Passover. (This difference made for an interesting side conversation at my seder last year when we had hummus and tahine… never mind.)

What fascinates me is that there has to be some reason that Coca-Cola won’t sell this year round. People pay exorbitant prices for Mexican coke (which is just about the same thing, except bottled from Mexican water…) at Costco and other places. It’s expensive ostensibly because of the cost of getting here and the fact that it’s in glass bottles, but I think it also has something to do with what the market will in fact bear. I get a Mexican coke every other week or so at my favorite Mexican place down the street. If I’m feeling rich, I’ll buy a case at Costco.

Tomorrow, since I’m in LA, I’m going to a fucking Ralps or Vons in the Fairfax and I’m going to clear them out. See, Kosher coke is mucho mas barata very much cheaper than the Mexican kind, and I like cans sometimes. Bottles, yeah, yeah, they have that same pseudoauthentic cachet that vinyl records do, but, like records, they break too damn easy to be useful in all situations.

But, wtf? Why only during Passover? There’s Coke. There’s Diet Coke. There’s Coke Zero. There’s Diet Coke with Splenda (which I should like but I don’t—why the sweetener option on Diet???) There’s Caffeine Free Coke and Caffeine Free Diet Coke. There’s Lime Coke and Lemon Coke and fucking Vanilla Coke, all in diet varieties. There’s the comparatively venerable Cherry and Diet Cherry.

There’s substantial if not conclusive evidence that high fructose corn syrup has been a disaster to our country’s health, and yet still despite all of these varieties, no Sugar Coke.

Reading through the comments of something as down home Murrican as USA Today is bound to invite the usual set of mouth breathing fodder, which is why I linked it. There’s one making fun of Jews for thinking that there’s some health reason for not eating corn for one week a year. (No, no, I don’t see that as anti-semitic, just hairfuckingtrigger looking for a reason to talk trash though.) One commenter seems to think this is highly relevant to gay marriage. Maybe if those folks spent more time thinking about Adam and Eve than Adam and Steve they’d be less spooked. Just sayin’. Gay haters think about gay enough to make one question if they aren’t pining for rear entry. Then there’s a classic: Some guy telling us all how this is what Holy Holy Lord God of Free Markets has commanded for us to have, selah.

It’s painful. Anyone who isn’t a pudwhacking teenager whose reading material wasn’t limited to The Fountainhead and D&D 4th edition Dungeon Master’s guide and had the social life of a cat lady you’d think by now would have modified their free market orthodoxy. Hell, even Ayn Rand’s own real life toe sucking butt boy Alan Greenspan admits to a “flaw” in that thinking. And he has some real post-Cougar Andrea Mitchell to measure gravity on.

How one can argue that “THE MARKET” has foisted HFCS on us is beyond me. First of all, THE MARKET shows that people are willing to pay quite a bit of money for swich licours as Mexican Coke and Romance-language-sounding label wines, even if two buck chuck and HFCS Coke get it done in a pinch. I dunno, maybe fine wine is as much of an illusion as the sugar taste is. But isn’t it against THE MARKET to tell people that? Personally, I don’t care much for regular coke, but I quite enjoy the sugar version (and seem to need less of it—maybe THAT’s the problem.)

And this leaves aside the massive government subsidy of corn for decades. As usual, the ascetic dorks of Idolatrous Randism seem to always harsh our mellow by making us swallow our vitamins by not allowing one government intervention to counter another so that, I don’t know, we all end up liking to punish ourselves. Fucking weirdoes.

Anyway, we were triumphantly told in the 90s that the days of American Industrial monocuisine were over, and Sam Adams and Starbucks were the new way, and controversies over New Coke and Old would be mooted: we’d have BOTH! Odd then, isn’t it, that I don’t recall ever hearing anyone demand a Diet Lemon Coke, ever, then yet whoop there it was. Now we shop for sugar cokes like they’re going to stop making them next week or something and they won’t cough it up.

It must be those gay marrying MARKET inhibiting kikes in the Obama administration what’s doin’ it.

P.S. Just filled up my trunk from the Ralph’s at La Brea and 3rd. It’s the same price as any other Coke item, but just 2-liter bottles. (I could swear I’ve seen cans in the past…) Meaning, I got it for about 75% the price of Mexican coke.

2 thoughts on “Kosher Coke and Case Studies in American Idiocy”

  1. All Cola products of any kind, calories or no, are terrible. All the energy that your body spends digesting and excreting the industrial poisons in Cola is energy that it cannot spend maintaining itself. In a true free market these externalities would be internalized and all Cola would cost more than beer, which if not drunk in extreme excess is a far healthier beverage.


  2. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

    HFCS is an additional layer of really, really bad for you whatever the soda baseline may be. Plus sugar tastes better. That’s game-set-match for me.

    As for industrial poisons, I grew up in Southern California man. The shit is like oxygen to me.


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