US Sinks To 7-2-1 In Major Wars

When asked about the most recent defeat during a timeout with less than two minutes left in the third period with the score 5-0 Insugents, General Manager Bush said “It’s not over yet!” Assistant General Manager Cheney said from far above in the skybox that the other team was “in their last throes” perhaps thinking that they were tired near the end of the game from wars over the previous three millenia.

The US team has gone 1-1-0 in major wars since it decided to acquire all of its talent through free agency and foresake the draft used by the rest of the league. But free agency taketh away as it giveth–recently Colin Powell signed a deal with the Lecture Circuit All-Stars after he left the US team in disgust when it abandoned his patented offensive system.

The head coaches of the US team have been mired in a torture abuse scandal worse than any Mike Keenan meets rookie camp yarn spun in the last two decades. It has undermined their authority with the players, who have been put on the ice for shifts far in excess of the normal.

“The team doesn’t even provide the padding” one US player complained, “my mother had to send it to me–with as many shots as I face in a period, I simply cannot go without.” The US team was unable to meet its supply needs after it was gouged by sports apparel maker Halliburton in a recent contract.

“Sometimes,” one player who wished to remain anonymous said, “I don’t think this team is about winning the Cup anymore, I think it’s about making the management rich.”

Despite the dropping record, the season ticket holders have refused to clamour for a new front office team.

UPDATE: The U.S. is 1-2-1 in the last 60 years. The US is 4-0-1 under Democrats and 2-2-0 under Republicans. “Republican GMs are great for exhibitions,” one scout said, “but only Democrats have had the ability to win in the playoffs.”

One thought on “US Sinks To 7-2-1 In Major Wars”

  1. So, we can argue if we think it was (a) Lyndon that lost Vietnam – I say no. The American public elected Nixon partly for his “secret plan” to win in Vietnam.(b) That Vietnam was a loss – I say yes, none of the objectives were achieved and we left looking weaker, not stronger to the communists when deterrance was the strategic goal.(c) that Iraq I was a major war – it seems arguably more in line with Kosovo, Somalia, Grenada, Panama, etc. but the scale was huge even if the action wasn;t.

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